The struggles

I vividly remember the first time my period skipped and I was worried that I might be pregnant. I remember feeling scared and knowing that we weren't ready yet. I told my husband I was late and I'd bought a test. I took the test and sat in the bathroom for a few minutes after, just waiting. I knew if it was a plus sign, we'd figure it out, we'd be okay and be happy. But when that negative sign showed up, I walked into the bedroom and just shook my head no. We hugged and we both cried, tears of relief. We knew we wanted kids some day, we'd been talking about them even before we got married. But at 24, I think we were scared of what was going to change, or how we were going to afford anything.

About seven years ago I had gone to see a doctor about some irregularities in my body. I didn't know for sure what was going on, but I knew I didn't feel like myself and that something was wrong.

The first doctor (nurse practitioner, actually) I saw listened to what I was describing and decided to run some blood work. I was around 24, not necessarily ready to have a baby, but wanted to know what was going on with my body. She gave me results of my tests, told me that she thinks it's a possibility that I could have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I should go home and read up on it. I did. And I scared the crap out of myself. The worst thing you can do is go out and Google an illness, and read all of the horror stories. I was scared. Even if I only could have had a few of the symptoms, it was enough to kick start something in me to figure out if I really DID have PCOS or not.
I decided a second opinion was in order. This time I explained everything to the new doctor and she told me that she didn't believe that PCOS was the issue. I just needed to lose some weight, get back to my old, healthier self and my body would straighten itself out. She didn't run any tests or do blood work.

Both of these doctors had asked me if I was trying to have a baby at that time. I said no, but I still wanted to know what was wrong. Why was my body acting so crazy? Neither of them seemed to have answers but felt like giving me a prescription for birth control was the exact band-aid I needed. So I took it. With no real answers on the horizon, at least I knew that I wouldn't end up pregnant with a new husband who wasn't ready for kids.


Over the next couple of years I was off and on birth control depending on how stable my current job was and if I had health insurance coverage or not. I was a hot mess of hormones, driving my husband crazy. We finally reached a point where we thought, "If we get pregnant, we'll be really excited. If it happens, it happens. We'll be happy!" But we also weren't exactly "trying" either. So for two years this was the plan. We just rolled with it. At this point in my life, I should have invested stock in Clear Blue, EPT, or First Response. Seriously.

At age 26, I decided that I needed to get serious about finding out what was really going on. I got a great recommendation for a doctor from a co-worker, and made my first appointment. I brought in a long document listing out when the issues started, what doctors thought was wrong, which birth controls I'd been on and for how long. This doctor decided to run tests, do ultra sounds. Anything I asked, she was on board to do to try to find answers. After multiple appointments she actually said to me, "I don't know what to tell you. Everything looks healthy and normal. Your test results are good. Your thyroid levels are on the lower end of normal, but nothing to worry about. At this point, I just think you have a hormonal imbalance. So for now, if you're not trying to get pregnant right now, birth control is the way to go to make sure you are staying regular. But when you're ready to try, we can see what steps are next."
I went home that day and cried. I told my husband what she said and felt like yet again, a doctor just threw a band-aid at me. I look back now and think, maybe it was a sign. We were fighting all the time and weren't happy. The more we tried to ignore the problems, the worse things got. So I kept taking the birth control, knowing this wasn't the right time to bring a baby into our family.

By the time I hit 29, I was feeling defeated. Everyone I knew was having babies left and right. Here I was, just getting my marriage back on track. Throughout our whole relationship, my husband had always said, "No kids until we're 30!" I always thought he was kind of joking because he knew how bad I wanted babies, that he didn't really mean it.
Around this time he suggested that I not go back on the birth control (I'd been off it for about a year at this point), and just see what happens. So, I made a doctors appointment for my next check up and told her that I wasn't going to be filling that prescription but I wanted to know what my next step was. She asked if I was ready to be "trying" for a baby and I said, "Well, my husband is at the "if it happens, it happens" stage so I wouldn't say actively."  She gave me a prescription to help keep my cycles regular, said to give it a try for six months and see what happens. Sometimes it could be as simple as that.
I'd also recently been to see an Endocrinologist because that "low end of normal" test result had been eating at me for years. Turns out, I do in fact, have thyroid problems. Hypothyroidism. Guess that explains a lot.

I waited for a while to take this medication from my OB. I wanted to be sure that my husband was on board with the baby "thing." I felt like maybe he'd made the suggestion because he knew we were close to 30 and that'd always been our deal. I just wanted to be sure that if it worked, he'd be ready as he could ever be.

April, May, June, July, August, September. Six months and nothing has changed. Here I am in November, a little over a month away from turning 31 and I still have no answers. I'm no closer to finding out how I will be able to have a baby. And I'm still scared. Scared that the answer will be that it's just not in the cards for me. And I'm not sure how I'll handle that if it's the truth.

For as long as I can remember..

I have always wanted babies. I can't think back to a time where I didn't want children, or when I wasn't sure. As far back as I can remember, I knew I was going to be a mom some day.

When I was in fifth grade we made a time line. It started when we were born, and we added big events in our lives up to age ten. Mine included moving and having two little sisters. The next step was to add life events we thought were going to happen in the future. Mine included going to college, getting married (at 24 I believe, which was pretty close!), having two babies (one at 26, one at 28). I knew at age ten that I was going to have babies.

So sitting here now, quickly approaching 31, I feel saddened by my baby-less life. I look around and see all of my cousins having babies left and right, like it's a contest or something. Friends who were married years after I, are now announcing pregnancies of babies two or three. My sister, who is six years younger than me, has two adorable children. The only thing I can think is... when's it my turn?!

People say that God has a plan and he will provide when the time is right. My husband always said that he wanted to wait until we were more financially stable so one (or both) of us could work from home (or not at all), so we could be there to watch our children grow up. To have the means to support our family and give our children things we might not have been able to have growing up. We are finally approaching that stage in our lives and I can't help but feel like we took too long to get here. Why hasn't God delivered? What plan does he have for us?

I've never, ever imagined that there could be the possibility of not having children in my life. And I'm finally at the place where it saddens me. I feel incomplete.