I have always wanted babies. I can't think back to a time where I didn't want children, or when I wasn't sure. As far back as I can remember, I knew I was going to be a mom some day.
When I was in fifth grade we made a time line. It started when we were born, and we added big events in our lives up to age ten. Mine included moving and having two little sisters. The next step was to add life events we thought were going to happen in the future. Mine included going to college, getting married (at 24 I believe, which was pretty close!), having two babies (one at 26, one at 28). I knew at age ten that I was going to have babies.
So sitting here now, quickly approaching 31, I feel saddened by my baby-less life. I look around and see all of my cousins having babies left and right, like it's a contest or something. Friends who were married years after I, are now announcing pregnancies of babies two or three. My sister, who is six years younger than me, has two adorable children. The only thing I can think is... when's it my turn?!
People say that God has a plan and he will provide when the time is right. My husband always said that he wanted to wait until we were more financially stable so one (or both) of us could work from home (or not at all), so we could be there to watch our children grow up. To have the means to support our family and give our children things we might not have been able to have growing up. We are finally approaching that stage in our lives and I can't help but feel like we took too long to get here. Why hasn't God delivered? What plan does he have for us?
I've never, ever imagined that there could be the possibility of not having children in my life. And I'm finally at the place where it saddens me. I feel incomplete.
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